𝟶𝟶𝟷 // 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚒 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚞𝚜𝚎 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚋𝚘𝚍𝚢

19 Jun, 2026

i am trying to pretend this is ok. tonight. tomorrow, it might be. it changes that fast. today, for now, I hate it again. because tomorrow is mister blue or Saturday is mister blue and I detest mister blue but I detest uncertainty more and I can never count on this schedule and I can never count on anything. some days... it can be insane what this has done for my confidence. some days... I truly fear nothing. some days... what does that mean I have done? I almost argued on the internet today with a 22 year old because she had the audacity to speak on used women from her preciously inexperienced angle and I caught myself asking who I am defending or protecting or sheltering or shielding here. I see the agency girls online and they are the ones mister blue calls 'high maintenance' which, I think, means pretty. he does not think i'm pretty. "you'd think I'd be into, like, hot 22-year-olds," he said yesterday, "but, like, you're what does it for me". He doesn't mean it like it sounds. At least that's what he says after he closes the door behind mister blue, having collected the full amount of our two-months behind rent. it got behind because we were fighting. we were fighting because this never should have happened. when we are fighting, this work doesn't get done. or it does, but the fallout is nuclear. when you have bickered and fought with your husband all morning... when you have wiped tears from your eyes so you could turn up the "Dirty Sexy Rock" playlist [I'm not kidding... that's the one they groove to] while he went to the parking lot to meet a stranger, when you collect yourself on the bed and prepare your "hi, handsome"... there are times when you can lie there so far outside your body you feel something I used to think only came from mushrooms. the good bad dark dark place that twinkles. you can get so far. that's my super power. thanks, world. don't get me wrong. I am the consummate performer. my reviews baseline at "what are you?" your girl mystifies. so amused am I, so broken into my work ethic... they truly fall in love. sometimes. some of them hate. I feel it. I rescue my husband's ego when he prides himself on his careful screening, but I know who's been in this room. I know what we've done. but we are small in this big universe, and so if I will be one thing... it will be a muse. I live up to the reputation that precedes me. I am a fascinating monster. the person who called me that was jon. no h. not a client. rather, a friend's husband and I didn't know why. now I know why. you live, you learn. when she and I were friends, I never managed to make it her way... I was a single mother of two...but we met on the internet and she came to see me and then came again and came again and I didn't know I was playing with her heart like I was - I thought we were both only playing - until she left her husband in seattle to be the most happy and obvious lesbian I have ever encountered with a woman in Montana and geography means little but when a strange impulse and a lot of addictions converged, it happened that I drove right past the happy lesbian cottage (near Spokane at the time) and proceeded to Seattle to fuck her husband in their bed and try not to shake at pike place where the true blue ocean crab tasted too salty to my Midwestern mouth. of all the things I would defend in this... my mouth is Midwestern by birth, but the drive was from salt lake city. I would never drive from the Midwest for lost-soul sex. that would be absurd.